BREAKING: Rumors swirl that Tencent Finalizes Ubisoft Buyout “Go Woke, Go Broke” Officially Canon
PARIS/SHENZHEN – In a move that has sent progressive game journalists into emergency therapy sessions, Tencent is rumored to have snapped up the entirety of Ubisoft for the price of a mid-tier Shanghai apartment complex.
Insiders confirm the first mandate from the new Tencent overlords:
- All future Assassin’s Creed protagonists must now be true to historical norms — i.e. heterosexual & must now contain zero black samurai in 1600s Japan.
- Rainbow Six Siege operators will no longer include “non-binary smoke grenade genderqueer specialist.”
- The phrase “modern audience” has been deleted from every company Slack channel and replaced with the Mandarin characters for “profit”: 利润.
Most devastating blow: An internal memo leaked stating “no more happy places where men go around cross-dressing like women” will be allowed in any Ubisoft title.
Sources say the Rayman team immediately disbanded in protest and is currently seeking asylum in Canada.
Sweet Baby Inc. stock reportedly plummeted 400% in pre-market trading after their consultation contract was allegedly used as toilet paper in Tencent HQ.
