📘 1983 – Asian Language Initiative
PM Bob Hawke greenlights the Asian Languages and Australia Policy.
🧠 Vision from Canberra: a generation fluent in Mandarin, markets, and manners.
🎓 Results: brief school fascination with chopsticks and origami.
📊 1989 – Garnaut Report Drops the Truth
DFAT and Treasury are warned: “Engage with Asia or perish.”
📉 Ministers glance at the charts, mutter “very interesting,” then resume flights to London.
📁 Report filed.
💸 1997 – Asian Financial Crisis
Region burns.
🇦🇺 Canberra’s response coordinated by the Department of Finance: “Not our circus.”
🥶 ASEAN: “So much for mateship.”
💥 1999 – East Timor Breakup
PM John Howard tears up the 1995 Security Treaty with Indonesia, managed by DFAT.
🧨 Relationship detonated over East Timor.
🇮🇩 Jakarta blacklists AU emotionally and diplomatically.
🛌 2008 – Rudd’s Asia-Pacific Dream Dies
PM Kevin Rudd proposes an Asia-Pacific Community.
🛏️ DFAT nods politely, then slips the plan into long-term policy palliative care.
💤 Later found buried under unused ASEAN working group binders.
🧻 2012 – Henry’s ‘Asian Century’ White Paper
Treasury’s Ken Henry: “Asia is our future.”
🎯 Dept. of Education to integrate Asian languages into the curriculum.
🧼 2013: Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet under Tony Abbott deletes it like a bad browser history.
🤐 2017 – AUKUS Secretly Brewed
Turnbull Government, with Defence and PM&C, begins hush-hush chats with Pentagon and Whitehall.
🌏 DFAT kept largely out of the loop.
ASEAN: “Do we exist?”
🚫 2018 – Huawei Banned from 5G
Home Affairs and ASIO, after a “friendly nudge” from the CIA, blocks Huawei.
📡 Canberra proclaims “sovereign decision” while clutching NSA briefing notes.
🇨🇳 Beijing starts practicing its side-eye.
⚓ 2021 – AUKUS Launched Like a Bad Sequel
Morrison Government, with Defence, announces $368B nuclear submarine deal.
🇫🇷 Ministère des Affaires étrangères: “Zut alors!”
🚢 ASEAN calls, gets voicemail.
📰 2024 – SMH’s “Red Alert” Fear-Fest
Nine Newspapers, briefed by ex-ASPI fellows, publish war-scare editorial series.
📉 Informed by anonymous sources in Defence Intelligence Organisation (DIO) and “very serious vibes.”
👴 Paul Keating calls it “geopolitical cosplay with nukes.”
🏚️ 2025 – Asia Literacy Implodes
Department of Education confirms collapse of Asian language programs.
📚 Mandarin, Bahasa, and Hindi replaced by… French.
🗣️ Corporate Australia learns to say “ni hao” with an American accent.
⚰️ 2025 – AUKUS Dies with a Whimper
With US politics in meltdown, DoD quietly shelves AUKUS.
💸 Billions sunk. No subs.
🇻🇳 ASEAN: “Was that the whole plan?”
